Slow Motion Parenting

5/6/2020

I wrote this for my blog about 4 years ago!  I think it may resonate now as we have been forced into a time of restricted movement, loss, and change.  Yet the idea of surrendering to a slow-motion kind of mindset might be just what we need.  What if it doesn't really matter how much "learning" gets done now?  What if some of us really do have the time to be with our children, partners, and families?  Even when working from home, is there a way to slow down your day and make intentional time for each other?  Perhaps the time that would have been spent transporting to school or picking up from practice?  I am just wondering...

From 2016:
I am considering buying a domain name for Slow Motion Parenting.  The concept of Slow Parenting is already out in a book with that title and I can certainly get behind the idea of slowing down as a parent and as a human.  We all need to slow down.  We miss so much when we keep moving so fast and furiously toward the next task, meal, transition, day...whatever.  And yet it is so hard to insert slowness as a lifestyle into a cultural norm that finds it too hard to accept.

Enter Slow Motion Parenting.   When we think about something happening in slow motion, it is much different.  We see much more in a slow-motion instant replay.  Every movement is clear, even, and more graceful. Slow-motion can happen at any time, anywhere.  We can insert it at dinner time, in the car driving home from school, even while brushing teeth.   It can interrupt an argument, just by moving in slow motion, slowing down a reaction, making a tense situation more humorous by s-l-o-w-i-n-g d-o-w-n.

Imagine your child is having a tantrum.  How can you slow down your mind, your body, and your actions?

There she is on the floor flailing and crying...instead of thinking:  how can I stop this?  Or, how much longer will this go on?  You simply start moving and thinking in slow motion:   You are on the field, the ball is being passed to you,  as you reach out your hands go up, slowly you reach, higher, you catch the ball and your body turns slowly, slowly as one leg moves forward...you are headed toward the goal.  You run one leg far out ahead of the other, each foot slowly moving up and out and then touching the ground.  You reach the goal line! You win the game!

Oops, I mean:  she's on the floor.  You move your hand slowly out toward her, she flails even more wildly. You slowly pull your arm back and place it gently by your side.  You step back, one foot at a time, very slowly.  You sit down, pause, and slow down your thoughts.  You talk in a slow-motion voice..."I...am...here.  Let...me...know...if...you...want..a..hug"  She continues to flail but less violently.  You breathe.  1-2-3-4 Hold 1-2-3-4 exhale 1-2-3-4-hold 1-2-3-4. Again.  She notices you taking breaths.  She looks at you, no longer crying.  You say something soothing like "breathing helps me feel better".  She creeps toward you. You slowly put out your hands as she crawls into your arms.  You rock together, gently.  Slow Motion Parenting.

You see in all of my studies about parenting, especially in the past 10 years, support the idea of slowing down as a response to the overwhelm of big emotions,  behaviors, and reactions.  Unless a child is about to get hurt or hurt someone else..how can slowing down make things any worse?  In fact, the opposite is true. When we slow down our thoughts, we actually think better, we have access to the thinking part of our brain, not the reacting part.  When we rev up our emotions, we lose the connection to our logical prefrontal cortex and become reactive in a fight or flight way.

I have always tended toward the enjoyment of slowing down in my life...things seem to happen too fast for me in general and I learn through reflection and love to ponder my world.  Yet I know that we live in a world with one finger on the fast forward button.  While I have learned to cope with that, I believe that even if one's tendency is not toward slowing down, there is much to be gained when we do.

Like many parents, I have been thinking about the impact this emotional election cycle is having on families.       I wonder how we can make lemonade out of the many anxiety-filled lemons being tossed around in the media and the general atmosphere of this particular election.  

Whatever your political beliefs, all Americans will  have to find a way to live together after the election on Tuesday. The negative campaign ads, the level of unpleasant discourse and topics, and the fear many are feeling are affecting us adults as well as the children who depend on us.  This is an important teaching moment for parents.  One we can rise up to meet with some thoughtful resopnses.

For kids of any age it can be very confusing to see parents become unraveled or even mildly upset by something they are watching on television. Or children may simply notice an uptick in our own anxiety and discomfort and not know why.   This particular kind of anxiety may not be something they see very often and it may create a sense of confusion and uncertainty for kids of all ages, but especially those who are younger.

Yet, this can be a golden opportunity for parents to reflect on the kinds of values they want to impart on their children. What is important to our family?  How do we treat other people?  What issues do we care about?  How do we want to mitigate the impact of the wider world that is ever more intrusive upon our homes and families?

It is also a super teaching opportunity for our older children.  What are elections?  How does democracy work? What do you as a parent believe about our democracy?   It is also a great time to observe if your child is impacted by the Presidential election, or if they are happily ignorant of it.  Different kids have different awareness levels and temperaments and even some we might think are too young to notice or care, are picking up on things in their environment and interpreting them in ways that might surprise us.

Here are some suggestions to consider as we enter this exciting and emotional week:

1) Media/Internet/Personal Devices:

• Lower the stress and exposure for everyone in the family!  Keep the broadband stations with commercials off when young kids are around as much as possible. Unfortunately, the content is too mature and too disturbing for young children to understand or tolerate.   If older kids are up during election night, make sure they are not watching negative campaign ads alone (they may seem scary or threatening).
• If older kids are watching election news with you, turn the sound off during commercials.  Notice if your child is reacting to the images they see on TV.  Ask them about what they are seeing and hearing. For your own self-care, limit your exposure to media. 
• Put yourself on a cyber diet of checking the news only once or twice a day and turning off notifications on your devices.  Make a pact with a friend or partner not to get caught up in political arguments on Facebook.  Scroll down to your happy place :) 

2) Keep your cool.

• Take extra good care of yourself this week,  If you start to notice anxiety increasing at home, take steps to have some fun, get out of the house and mitigate tension in the air with some fun music, dancing and being goofy. Enjoy your children and their innocence.  Be in the moment.  Hanging out with them can be a great stress relief for us adults! Reach out to like-minded friends.

3) Use the opportunity to teach. 

• Kids need to know that what we see on TV needs to be considered carefully before being 100% believed.  This is such an important conversation to have with kids of all ages as advertisements, television shows and even news, do not represent the life that we value, or even the one we actually have or want.  Television is skewed toward a particular demographic of viewers and intended to attract and manipulate our attention.  It does not represent a balanced view of the world.  Help them learn to see though advertising culture early. Teach them to question what they see and hear!  

4) Practice random acts of kindness.

• Connect  your family with the wider world in a positive way.  This Is a fabulous game for kids as you can hand out flowers to people in the grocery store, pay for street parking for another car, or simply say a friendly greeting as you are out and about with your kids.   This is a great practice to restore faith in humanity and generate goodwill toward others.   Kids are often more aware of doing this than we are :)  

5) Remember: Kids can't vote.

• Some kids may feel powerless and frustrated by that.  But we adults can vote and it is a right and privilege that they can look forward to and hopefully cherish one day.  

While this feels like a life and death election for many, remember: we will survive.  We adults have the skills to respond thoughtfully rather than react.  When we do, we are teaching this skill to or children.  And when we do that, we are empowering them to make lemonade out of lemons!

--

Elaine J. Webster M.A., LMHC 

Individual and Couple Therapy

Parenting Consults and Education
elainejwebster@gmail.com
206-355-9932

What happened?

Wow!  In the busyness of everyday life, blogs can certainly take a back seat :)  I am learning that when I am busy and have less time to reflect I am reluctant to write.  I want everything I say to be the  most meaningful stuff I can think of and articulate.  Meanwhile, life goes on and insights get buried under much too much information and distractions.   I read a lot, especially on the web.  I get lots of links from parents and friends related to parenting and there is so much being expressed that is truly worthwhile, it can seem hard to come up with  something new.  But as I ponder this I ask myself  is it really the "new" thoughts and ideas that are the most useful?  Or is it  the reminders of truths easily forgotten in the rush of everyday life and the deeper reflection upon our own experiences as parents that mean the most?

It is probably both.  I hope that during the dog days of summer, you are able to take some time to refresh and reflect on what you might be able to let go of or lighten up on  in the upcoming year.   Maybe one less kid activity this fall, or learning to say no when baking a dozen cookies for the bake sale will take you over the edge.  Or even asking for help?   I often suggest to parents that even though money is tight, to consider if there is a way to get the house cleaned professionally once a month, groceries delivered or a babysitter during the most stressful hours before dinner.   Just one small change can relieve a huge amount of stress.

Here is to a lovely and luxurious August filled with calm moments and at least a few restful days.

Meditation Anyone?

Many scientific studies are finally confirming what we have known intuitively all along: meditation is essential to physical, emotional and mental well-being.   Almost every article I read in Psychology these days has to do with how mindfulness practices are as effective, or more so, than anti-depressants for treating depression and anxiety.  

(http://www.drdansiegel.com/resources/everyday_mindsight_tools/)

That said: how are parents able to find the time to do this?  

Often when I have a few moments to myself, I have a 3 page list of to-do's.  I cannot sit and meditate.  Who has time for that?  Yet, as I explored more about mindfulness, I came to understand that mindfulness practices can happen while taking a walk, changing a diaper or even washing dishes.  I learned this from Thich Nhat Hahn, the Vietnamese Monk and Zen Master who has written many books.  

Thich Nhat Hanh is a "global spiritual leader, poet and peace activist, revered throughout the world for his powerful teachings and bestselling writings on mindfulness and peace".  (http://plumvillage.org/about/thich-nhat-hanh/)

One chapter in his Book "Peace is Every Step",  has stayed with me for many years.

. 
Here is what he says about mindfully doing the dishes: 

“If while washing dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not "washing the dishes to wash the dishes." What's more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes. In fact we are completely incapable of realizing the miracle of life while standing at the sink. If we can't wash the dishes, the chances are we won't be able to drink our tea either. While drinking the cup of tea, we will only be thinking of other things, barely aware of the cup in our hands. Thus we are sucked away into the future -and we are incapable of actually living one minute of life.” 
― Thich Nhat Hanh, The Miracle of Mindfulness

What if walking the dog, making dinner (with noisy distractions about our feet) were opportunities to practice  mindfulness.  I wonder how each day might go differently?
It seems worth the try, at least, as frustration and impatience are also practices and tend to lead us to more of the same.  

I have held onto another story by a revered spiritual leader and practitioner of mindfulness, someone you may have heard of: the Dalai Lama.  The story he tells is of traveling in an airplane and noticing the struggling parents trying to stay calm and keep their children from running rampant in the tormenting confines of a trans-Atlantic flight.  He noted that this is one job, that of parenting, that he could not do!  He went on to express great admiration for parents.  

Now if the Dalai Lama finds parenting a challenge that leaves him questioning his abilities, that ought to give us some reassurance about how hard this job is, right?  I have taken comfort from this story many times throughout the years.  
I guess this parenting thing really just might be a path to some kind of enlightenment :)  

The Bolt Bus

Let me tell you what it feels like to put your 16 year old daughter on the Bolt Bus to Portland by herself: really great!
I have often been an anxious Mom and still can be at times, but as we live through each stage of development, when both parents and kid feel ready for the  next step in risk-taking, it feels awesome.
I have to admit that sometimes I am ready first, before she is or before my husband is, and other times I am running up from behind yelling; "wait, wait this is too soon!!"

This time it felt right as she had solid plans and friends waiting to greet her on the other end of the trip.  She is learning to drive and summer is coming, so it seems like a convergence of maturity happening for all of us.

It reminds me of many stages in the past where I thought I could not take one more minute of waiting for the next developmental stage before going off the deep end.  Usually 3 months beyond my last shred of tolerance the potty training succeeded, or the weaning was complete, or we all slept a full 8 hours without being jolted out of bed (well, that one is another story).

And then there was the first day of kindergarten where I thought I would be driving her to and from every day.  She would have none of it.  She had to take the bus from day one.  As soon as I waved good bye from the bus stop, I  rushed to the school to meet her there so I could stand outside the class with the other teary-eyed parents.  I put on a brave face that day as the bus pulled away but I have to admit I was more than just a little proud of her boldness.

Reeling From Too Much Parenting Advice?

Have you ever wanted to scream at the amount of parenting advice there is out there?  I remember this feeling well when my daughter was a preschooler.  Much of it is great and I welcomed it, but after a while reading every book I could get my hands on left me feeling inadequate and even helpless at times.

Where was the support for trusting me and my relationship with the child that I  have, not the theoretical child in all of the books I was reading at the time.  I had a three year old that was quite precocious and was able to out smart me at every turn.  How do you deal with that? I am afraid not very well sometimes.

What really did help me was the reassurance from friends and other parents that 1) I was not alone and 2) there were wonderful things about my daughter and that her most challenging behaviors would eventually turn into great adult characteristics.  Seeing her through the eyes of others when I was feeling inadequate was really so helpful and knowing that this was normal for a three year old was also calming.  Having support in setting healthy boundaries and learning how to repair my own mishaps and mistakes to come back together after a low parenting moment, was key to my survival.  

And guess what?  They were right.  She is a wonderful person now with strong ideas of her own, smart and capable.  Her behavior was normal for a three year old, even if she was different from her peers at times..  

I am grateful for the loving eyes of others who helped me see my daughter more clearly.  I hope that is what I am able to help parents with now as a guide and mentor.  

Who's Perfect Anyway?

When I read my post from yesterday about learning from parents who do things well, I realized that this could infer that there are parents out there who live up to the image in our heads of the perfect parent.  If they are out there I have not met them in my 17 years of being a parent.  Unfortunately, they do exist in my head sometimes and can haunt me when I am feeling particularly incompetent.

I try to use models of others who I  imagine would do things "better" than me to help me change the way I am currently looking at a problem in my family.  How would my good friend J. handle this with their kid? Even if they don't handle things better in reality, my imagination can help me come up with some pretty useful solutions or approaches.  I can live into a better way of  parenting this way, without pressuring myself to be someone I am not.  And isn't that what we want for our kids as well?  That they be their own persons, learning from others they admire but remaining true to who they are?

As Kahlil Gibran suggests our children are   "the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself".  They have their own inner desires, thoughts, feelings and dreams.  Our notions of raising them perfectly or without making many mistakes along the way presumes, in part, that they are just like us, or should be...but as Gibran further says in The Prophet:

"You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you"