Meditation Anyone?

Many scientific studies are finally confirming what we have known intuitively all along: meditation is essential to physical, emotional and mental well-being.   Almost every article I read in Psychology these days has to do with how mindfulness practices are as effective, or more so, than anti-depressants for treating depression and anxiety.  

(http://www.drdansiegel.com/resources/everyday_mindsight_tools/)

That said: how are parents able to find the time to do this?  

Often when I have a few moments to myself, I have a 3 page list of to-do's.  I cannot sit and meditate.  Who has time for that?  Yet, as I explored more about mindfulness, I came to understand that mindfulness practices can happen while taking a walk, changing a diaper or even washing dishes.  I learned this from Thich Nhat Hahn, the Vietnamese Monk and Zen Master who has written many books.  

Thich Nhat Hanh is a "global spiritual leader, poet and peace activist, revered throughout the world for his powerful teachings and bestselling writings on mindfulness and peace".  (http://plumvillage.org/about/thich-nhat-hanh/)

One chapter in his Book "Peace is Every Step",  has stayed with me for many years.

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Here is what he says about mindfully doing the dishes: 

“If while washing dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not "washing the dishes to wash the dishes." What's more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes. In fact we are completely incapable of realizing the miracle of life while standing at the sink. If we can't wash the dishes, the chances are we won't be able to drink our tea either. While drinking the cup of tea, we will only be thinking of other things, barely aware of the cup in our hands. Thus we are sucked away into the future -and we are incapable of actually living one minute of life.” 
― Thich Nhat Hanh, The Miracle of Mindfulness

What if walking the dog, making dinner (with noisy distractions about our feet) were opportunities to practice  mindfulness.  I wonder how each day might go differently?
It seems worth the try, at least, as frustration and impatience are also practices and tend to lead us to more of the same.  

I have held onto another story by a revered spiritual leader and practitioner of mindfulness, someone you may have heard of: the Dalai Lama.  The story he tells is of traveling in an airplane and noticing the struggling parents trying to stay calm and keep their children from running rampant in the tormenting confines of a trans-Atlantic flight.  He noted that this is one job, that of parenting, that he could not do!  He went on to express great admiration for parents.  

Now if the Dalai Lama finds parenting a challenge that leaves him questioning his abilities, that ought to give us some reassurance about how hard this job is, right?  I have taken comfort from this story many times throughout the years.  
I guess this parenting thing really just might be a path to some kind of enlightenment :)  

The Bolt Bus

Let me tell you what it feels like to put your 16 year old daughter on the Bolt Bus to Portland by herself: really great!
I have often been an anxious Mom and still can be at times, but as we live through each stage of development, when both parents and kid feel ready for the  next step in risk-taking, it feels awesome.
I have to admit that sometimes I am ready first, before she is or before my husband is, and other times I am running up from behind yelling; "wait, wait this is too soon!!"

This time it felt right as she had solid plans and friends waiting to greet her on the other end of the trip.  She is learning to drive and summer is coming, so it seems like a convergence of maturity happening for all of us.

It reminds me of many stages in the past where I thought I could not take one more minute of waiting for the next developmental stage before going off the deep end.  Usually 3 months beyond my last shred of tolerance the potty training succeeded, or the weaning was complete, or we all slept a full 8 hours without being jolted out of bed (well, that one is another story).

And then there was the first day of kindergarten where I thought I would be driving her to and from every day.  She would have none of it.  She had to take the bus from day one.  As soon as I waved good bye from the bus stop, I  rushed to the school to meet her there so I could stand outside the class with the other teary-eyed parents.  I put on a brave face that day as the bus pulled away but I have to admit I was more than just a little proud of her boldness.

Reeling From Too Much Parenting Advice?

Have you ever wanted to scream at the amount of parenting advice there is out there?  I remember this feeling well when my daughter was a preschooler.  Much of it is great and I welcomed it, but after a while reading every book I could get my hands on left me feeling inadequate and even helpless at times.

Where was the support for trusting me and my relationship with the child that I  have, not the theoretical child in all of the books I was reading at the time.  I had a three year old that was quite precocious and was able to out smart me at every turn.  How do you deal with that? I am afraid not very well sometimes.

What really did help me was the reassurance from friends and other parents that 1) I was not alone and 2) there were wonderful things about my daughter and that her most challenging behaviors would eventually turn into great adult characteristics.  Seeing her through the eyes of others when I was feeling inadequate was really so helpful and knowing that this was normal for a three year old was also calming.  Having support in setting healthy boundaries and learning how to repair my own mishaps and mistakes to come back together after a low parenting moment, was key to my survival.  

And guess what?  They were right.  She is a wonderful person now with strong ideas of her own, smart and capable.  Her behavior was normal for a three year old, even if she was different from her peers at times..  

I am grateful for the loving eyes of others who helped me see my daughter more clearly.  I hope that is what I am able to help parents with now as a guide and mentor.  

Who's Perfect Anyway?

When I read my post from yesterday about learning from parents who do things well, I realized that this could infer that there are parents out there who live up to the image in our heads of the perfect parent.  If they are out there I have not met them in my 17 years of being a parent.  Unfortunately, they do exist in my head sometimes and can haunt me when I am feeling particularly incompetent.

I try to use models of others who I  imagine would do things "better" than me to help me change the way I am currently looking at a problem in my family.  How would my good friend J. handle this with their kid? Even if they don't handle things better in reality, my imagination can help me come up with some pretty useful solutions or approaches.  I can live into a better way of  parenting this way, without pressuring myself to be someone I am not.  And isn't that what we want for our kids as well?  That they be their own persons, learning from others they admire but remaining true to who they are?

As Kahlil Gibran suggests our children are   "the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself".  They have their own inner desires, thoughts, feelings and dreams.  Our notions of raising them perfectly or without making many mistakes along the way presumes, in part, that they are just like us, or should be...but as Gibran further says in The Prophet:

"You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you"

On Children - Sweet Honey In The Rock

Who do you learn from?

What is hard about parenting?  Almost everything!  Constant growth and change challenging us to be better, work harder, be more self-aware.  At least these are things that are hard for me.  My parents were raised during the depression and they learned how to parent from their immigrant parents where having a childhood was a luxury.   So I learned lots of authoritarian strategies that I swore I would never use on my own child.

Just like balancing a checkbook, the life skills for being a parent just were not taught when I grew up.  So everyday is a challenge for me to feel like I am doing it right. 
The truth is there is no "right"...there is better and there is worse.  And there is lots and lots of advice from many perspectives and values.  If you are like me and find it hard to believe in a single strategy or approach, it can be overwhelming and frustrating.  

So who do I believe when it comes to parenting advice?  I believe those parents who have strong and loving and respectful relationships with their own children.  We may  not be alike in other ways, but I can sure learn from them by watching how they interact together and the kinds of things they do.  I learn from parents who are able to keep their cool in challenging situations and who admit it when they blow it.  I learn from parents who know how to repair misunderstandings and arguments with their kids with honesty and integrity.  I learn a lot from parents who are like me and from parents who are very different from me.  And I love that I can and do still learn from others, both kids and adults.  

What is hard for you and who do you learn from?

Little and Big

Well, here is the first post in my new blog I am calling Parent Talk.  This is an amazing picture created by my 16 year old daughter, Lily, of herself as a 3 year old and now.  She calls it "Little and Big Lily".  It has been an incredible journey over these past 16 plus years and I have learned and re-learned a lot.  My hope for this blog is to have a place for conversation between and among parents with children of every age and stage: what we are learning, what we need to know from others who have been there before and what I know that might be helpful since I am a parent and a parent educator as well as a therapist.  I read a lot, I talk to a lot of parents and I have an amazingly high interest in parents, children  and their experiences.  Let me know what you think and what you are wondering about and let's start a conversation!